Dyksfunctional

Yea.  It's been "awhile" to say the least.  But the biotch is back.

Blah... blah.. blah.... why I haven't written.  Long story short... who gives a fuck?
Seriously?  Who cares?  I got distracted by something shiny.  FB was easier.  I had some shopping to do.

How the fuck am I suppose to jump into something that I did every single day for YEARS???

I want to tell you what is what w/the Philistines....

The Q is a Senior and graduating in the Spring.
She enlisted in the Coast Guard.  **major da mama proud moment here**  She is even going to the same bootcamp I went to ..... fuck me.  Almost 30yrs ago.  JEZUZ H. CHRIST!!!  30 years????  I went to basic in 1982.  HOLY FUCK..... I am sooooooooooo fucking old.

LOL

I was joking w/her last night... I said..... "So you going to invite me every now and again?"

The Q:  Um? Nooo?  You will be old a decrepid.  You will barely be able to walk. 
Me:  I was just wondering.

I think I will still be able to walk... but you know... hate to ruin the party and all.

My Abuelita must have felt this at times.  I see it now.  I mean we would take her ANYWHERE no matter how unreasonable the demand was.  But this homie don't play that way.  I like that the Phils like me.  My Abuelita didn't give a shit if you liked her not... and she always got her way.

She was kinda mean.
No one likes to talk about all that... cause you know she is dead and Mexican.

But between you and me... she was kinda of bitch.
Seriously... she was talented. Strong. Brave.Beautiful.  But she was a bitch.

Is that what's it's all about??  Do I seriously have to become THAT bitch to get through all of this every single day SHIT?

Can't I just keep treading water and float to shore?

Only the bitches win.  I know.
i want to be nice and my inner bitch is nudging my shoulder... FUCK BEING NICE.

Dieks

I can't sleep 4SHIT tonight....So story time:
 
There is a nasty, icky Possum that has taken residence in my back porch wood pile.
[[and don't make the OBVIOUS lezzie jokes about wood and my back porch]]

 It humiliates me to confess that the GOD DAMN thing has me going out onto the porch w/a 1ft, heavy MAG light. I can physically, really fuck your shit up w/this Mag Light.  I SHOUT out "Scary monster GO AWAY!"  I then flash the Mag Lite & watch the God Damn Fucker scramble to safer grounds.

I have shot out over the bow of smuggling drug cartel boats w//M60's. I have a 10Ton Coke bust under my belt.

Fucking Possum has made me a fucking [ran out of FB letter P count a while ago]

This fucking Possum needs to leave... and leave now. 

The Phils sit around and now wait for me in the evenings to go out for a ciggy.  It amuses them to no end to watch me

I don't want to kill the little fucker... I just want him to go and live at the neighbors house.
They have Showtime.  He will be much happier.

DieKs
 

So the middle Philistine got a new Playstation Game... dragon whatever.  So I was lounging w/her and The Q while she played the game.  I am horrible w/these damn games.  I mean REALLY REALLY bad.  But I lke to stay involved w/them and keep up.

But this particular game kind of caught my interest.  I liked the characters and "theme".  It really looked like fun and more interesting then killing hookers.  So I got excited and asked Nolan.... "I want to play!  Let me play this!"

She completely stopped dead in her tracks from her slacked jaw, mindless only her fingers working the remote pace and looked at me.  I mean seriously... no shit EYE contact looked at me and said:

YOU want to play??  THIS is what you will do.

Then she had the Playstation character/whatever look at the dirt and then the sky.
Look at the dirt.
Look at the sky.

The Q nearly pissed herself laughing.  I was indignant.

I can do this Nono!!!!

Nolan then completely deadpan said:

Oh sure.  You could all fancy and do this.

She had me going around in circles.  Like I was chasing my own tail.

I taught the fucking biotch to wipe her ass and read... but she won't even bother to teach me how use a Playstaion/remote/doohickie.  I swear I am going to end up on the streets in my old age. 

Such ungrateful bioooooootches. 

DieKs

The teenage Q is having her lezzbo couple friends over tonight for a sleep over.
I am purchasing dental dams and leaving them on the bathroom counter.

Is that bad?? 
I don't think it's bad.

Is that I want to print out detailed instructions from the internet on how to use them bad??
Detailed instructions.

Maybe.

I am put in situations that there is no hand book or code of laws.
 

I feel so Willa Cartha right now...  I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.

It's good enough for me at the moment. 
DieKs

Ever watch those reality shows of  wedding brides trying on dresses??

I don't think I would be very good on that show.  I would spout out...  "Jezzuz!  Your ass gives the back pew something to look at!  Cool!"

The Phils are not going to let me out in public much longer.

DieKs

So I invented a "new game".
I have a small, but plentiful life. 

Here is my new "game".  I wait till one of the Phils is COMPLETELY engrossed in either a TV program/internet/Myspace/texts... whatever. All I have to do is wait for that dull glazed over look on their face and I know I am in "the zone".

I then stand up and scream... "WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?  STOP STARING AT ME!  YOU ARE STLL STARING AT ME!!"

To watch them NOT stare at me is hysterical.
They always want to look away embarressed about starring at me that point... then I just can't help but screw w/them more.

"YOU ARE STILL STARING AT ME!!!"

Then they laugh and ask... "Why are you like this?  Normal mothers don't do this you know?"

I just shrug... "Normal mothers don't laugh as much as I do."

THIS is seriously a fun game.  I want it to go viral.  I want everyone to start doing this to their partners/family/friends and even strangers.

"WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME!!??!!"

If some white guy came up w/this and made a music video out of it... it would take off bigger then "Free Hugs".

DieKs

DieKs

So Nono, The Q and I were discussing last night that Bucket [[the half pit/lab rescue dawg]] needs his own Facebook Page. 

This amused us to no end.

On his daily wall post/status/box... "Whats on your mind" he could post such deep thought as:

Bucket just finished licking his ass and wonders why my family won't let me kiss their face?

Bucket likes to chase his tail and then stand really still watching the room spin.  I don't know why people w/out fur take drugs,  when all you have to do is chase your tail.

Bucket feels sorry for people w/out fur... I can lay out flat on my stomach like a frog,  in the middle of the backyard in the sun and people w/out fur have to make sure no one is watching.  I am privileged. 

Bucket regrets not having  opposable thumbs.  I would write a check and support the campaign to protect people w/out fur.  But a tail isn't a tail to them, just a little  extra at the back.

All of this is funnier if you say it out loud w/the Winnie the Poo, Eeyore gloomy voice.  Because that is the voice we give Bucket.  He sounds like Eeyore.  Go back and read the updates w/the Eeyore gloomy voice.

Bucket says...
It's okay.  I don't mind.

DieKs

Purchased The Q's firt Prom Dress Monday. Que the "awwwwwww"  now. She is going to be SO girlyfied that it almost makes the rest of us a "little" uncomfortable... but we like seeing her so happy and excited.

She is going to drop jaws.

The dress is perfect for her age/body.  She did pick some SHOCKINGLY Steve Madden high heels, that Nono and I couldn't believe.  I mean SUPER high heels.  The Q is always about comfort, so this is a new one.  We were sitting there watching her try on the heels and we just gave each other the confused eye ball.  Watching The Q attempt at putting on high heel shoes... was similar to witnessing a little baby fowl wobbling to a standing position.  It's awkward and you feel bad and you are very concerned that the little baby horse is going to get hurt.  You want to leap up and help it. 

As The Q struggled at just getting the damn things on her feet... it completely POPPED off her foot and leapt across the store aisle.  It was as if the shoe was trying to escape.  Nono and I of course... DIED laughing.  I mean we were hysterical, especially watching The Q BEAT red running after it and trying to kidnap it back. 

There were other mothers/daughters around who were obviously also purchasing prom attire, that were much more dignified then us.  They looked at us very disapprovingly... but whatever.  The one mother seriously gave me a look that was saying... "If you haven't noticed this is Macy's and not Burlington Coat Factory?" 

Whatever biooooooootch!  Your daughter is most likely going to give her prom date a blowjob and swallow.

The Q has very firm rules... Not around my face.  Not going to happen.  Nothing around my face.

DieKs